{"id":1545,"date":"2022-08-02T15:03:20","date_gmt":"2022-08-02T15:03:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/katjabrunkhorst.com\/?p=1545"},"modified":"2024-08-11T22:11:34","modified_gmt":"2024-08-11T22:11:34","slug":"living-with-myself","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/katjabrunkhorst.com\/en\/living-with-myself\/","title":{"rendered":"Living with myself<\/span> Roe v. Wade\u2014 v. Me.<\/span>"},"content":{"rendered":"

A<\/span>s the news of Roe v. Wade possibly being overturned is dominating the media\u2014even here in Europe\u2014there is only one thing I can begin this article with:<\/p>\n

I am so sorry.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I\u2019m not a politician, an expert, an activist or even an American citizen.<\/p>\n

But I\u2019m a human woman, so please bear with me as I finally feel moved by the imminent threat to a woman\u2019s right to choose to break my 13-year silence on my own abortion account.<\/p>\n

Because we need to break that taboo still\u2014as that is what each and every abortion is: a choice. The most deeply personal choice someone can make. And while often, there are two parents involved, certainly, the hardest part is for the woman who ultimately must make, and face, the choice alone.<\/p>\n

What I could have done with 13 years ago, though, was a wise quote, or a comforting book. Or really any\u00a0account of somebody who had been through what I was facing and come out alive the other end.<\/p>\n

Back then, I found nothing. So let me share my own small attempt, despite feeling afraid of the vitriol it could draw, and its potential to retraumatise. Because the toughest choice I ever had to make was still mine to make, and if you\u2019ve made a similar choice, as you\u2019re reading this story: may it be of benefit. You are not alone.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

One day, in June 2009, in the khaki-green toilet stall at work, my tummy pulsed with stabs of giddy excitement when the second faint line appeared in the window of the pregnancy test I held in my shaking hand.<\/p>\n

All kinds of emotions were jostling for space in my body as I walked back to my tiny office with a view over the rooftops of the Northern German city I lived in, and I sat down at my desk in slow motion.<\/p>\n

After staring into the distance for at least 10 minutes, I picked up the phone to call the guy I was seeing at the time and broke the news: \u201cThere\u2019s no easy way to say this. I\u2019m pregnant!\u201d<\/p>\n

Not surprisingly, he was underwhelmed. A 32-year-old rock musician who ran his own small but legendary dive bar by the North Sea in a Dutch marine town, having kids didn\u2019t exactly feature in his life plan yet, if he even had one. Let alone with a German chick four years his senior who he\u2019d met only five weeks prior when she played a festival at his bar with her all-grrrl band.<\/p>\n

My decision, however, was clear the second I saw that second pink line.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It hadn\u2019t been a conscious choice to risk a pregnancy (I had typically been \u00fcber-careful all my life), but our fling was passionate from the get-go and precautions may have slipped here or there. In his case, he\u2019d just assumed my thyroid medication was the pill. And if you\u2019re thinking: \u201cThey both probably subconsciously wanted it\u2014and that chick\u2019s biological clock must have been\u00a0loud\u00a0at 36,\u201d I reckon you nailed it.<\/p>\n

To my own surprise, I informed him relatively calmly that I would go ahead and have that baby, with or without him. He asked me for some time to consider, and the weeks went by.<\/p>\n

A month later, back in that same office, I received a text message: \u201cI\u2019m in! Can\u2019t wait to see you and your belly full of trouble! Let\u2019s do this.\u201d<\/p>\n

I was over the moon. Turns out, so was my man! We were excited and happy to begin a new phase in both our lives, together.
\n\"\"<\/p>\n

That joyous phase lasted only a month.<\/p>\n

Both as innocent as they come\u2014again, neither of us had planned this or made a conscious decision to have kids\u2014we were entirely unprepared to hear the doctor make concerned remarks about irregularities at the 12-week ultrasound. We had been looking forward to that milestone and had no clue what her remarks could mean.<\/p>\n

Cue seven weeks of\u2014I can\u2019t put it any other way\u2014hell.<\/p>\n

An odyssey of appointments with specialists followed\u2014our baby had several different and serious things wrong with her. I felt such a strong connection with Josephine already, but it was becoming clear she might not be able to be with us.<\/p>\n

One of the specialists said things like \u201ccomplete and utter catastrophe\u201d while doing an ultrasound; yet they refused to tell me what we should do. As far as I was concerned, I loved our daughter dearly already, but did I want her to lead a short life of suffering? No. Also, my family made it crystal clear I would be on my own if I went through with the pregnancy.<\/p>\n

I was in agony. I do not wish that situation on anyone! The choice was mine, and mine alone:<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Would I have the strength to care for a kid like her\u2014the severity of her various conditions uncertain\u2014and face her suffering all alone, without a job? My two-year postdoc position was about to end, and I had just moved to that town for it, hardly knowing anyone. On the other hand, was it the kinder thing to have\u2014an unthinkable word\u2014an abortion, even at such a late stage, or would I not survive that?<\/p>\n

I nearly didn\u2019t, and that\u2019s not an exaggeration.<\/p>\n

Finally, one of my doctors, a woman a few years older than me who\u2019d done most of the prenatal diagnostic tests, took pity on me and showed me a kindness I will never forget. She said:<\/p>\n

\u201cTruthfully? I\u2019m not legally allowed to say this, but if it was me in your shoes, I\u2019d terminate this pregnancy. You\u2019d be doing this child a favour.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

With a heart heavier than I\u2019d ever felt before, one last tormenting discussion with my partner followed, and we made the decision to follow her advice. It was the 19th week already and I will spare you the details of my brief stay in the hospital. Suffice it to say it started with me alone in a room that felt cold with a similarly cold nurse; wordlessly, she stabbed the thick needle for the IV into the back of my hand. It hurt and she left.<\/p>\n

After the abortion, my ordeal still wasn\u2019t over.<\/p>\n

I had crying fits while attending my man\u2019s concerts where, to my eyes, he and everyone seemed to carry on as if nothing had happened, whereas I was firmly in the grip of an acute, heavy, and worsening depression without realizing it.<\/p>\n

I felt utter loneliness and longing for my child, plus the suffocating guilt\u2014so much worse than the grief of losing her\u2014along with rage. It had been so easy for everyone else to say no to her when I was the only one who had been able to feel her in me. And then to endure the process that, in effect, killed her inside of me\u2026no wonder I could only sleep some nights with the aid of red wine and strong sleeping pills that would knock me out in a scarily short amount of time.<\/p>\n

Things finally came to a head one evening in Berlin. Having broken down at a friend\u2019s house where my partner\u2019s band and I stayed after their gig\u2014with everyone getting wasted and partying like nothing had happened\u2014I fled to the flat of some other friends, both of whom were the kindest people I knew. Thank God they were home.<\/p>\n

I stayed the night after much sobbing and berating myself. The next morning, Diana took one look at me and said:<\/p>\n

If lightning were about to strike where you are standing right now, you wouldn\u2019t move out of the way, would you?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

To my surprise, I found myself nodding agreement, and she proceeded to make me find a place for stationary psychotherapy\u2014\u201cI will have you sectioned if I have to! You need help, and you need it now!\u201d At the grief clinic, I was diagnosed with heavy depression instantly and ended up staying for two months. It\u2019s because of Diana and her empathy and experience with depression that I was able to recover from the debilitating guilt eventually and am here to tell the tale.<\/p>\n

The thing is, over the years, I have slowly started to realize that I also need to own my part in that decision. Yes, it was a difficult situation and yes, if I hadn\u2019t then been alone or unemployed, I probably would have fought harder for Josephine.<\/p>\n

Still, it was my choice in the end, and today, I can say\u00a0it was the right one. The kind one, not just for her, but also for me and my man, who is my husband today. And I am glad I got to make that choice\u2014even if I fervently wish for others in that position to receive more counseling and advice.<\/p>\n

A few days into my stay in the \u201clooney bin\u201d that saved my life, we discovered I was pregnant again. Our daughter is 11 years old today, we\u2019re still together, and family life is intensely beautiful. But equally, it is hard enough\u2014without the unknown hardships I and my firstborn daughter would have faced, had we been on our own and without financial or emotional support.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

To own that choice, which meant I also chose me and the life I knew I could handle, has made me nearly whole again. There will always be one person missing from our family and I wish I could have gotten to know her, but I\u2019m also extremely grateful our second daughter was born\u2014on the exact same day I lost my first one, a year later.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a choice, that, to quote a friend, absolutely no one ever makes for fun. I do hope I am doing my bit by sharing my personal story, while realizing just how privileged I still am and have been throughout.<\/p>\n

Even if it\u2019s the hardest call to make\u2014you\u00a0do<\/em>\u00a0get to choose you. And absolutely no one should be able to\u00a0take away that right.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As the news of Roe v. Wade possibly being overturned is dominating the media\u2014even here in Europe\u2014there is only one thing I can begin this article with: I am so sorry. I\u2019m not a politician, an expert, an activist or even an American citizen. But I\u2019m a human woman, so please bear with me as…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":1549,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[66,67],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1545","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-family","category-heroines"],"yoast_head":"\nLiving with myself<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/katjabrunkhorst.com\/en\/living-with-myself\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Living with myself: Roe v. Wade\u2014vs. Me.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Even if it\u2019s the hardest call to make\u2014you\u00a0do\u00a0get to choose you. 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